Something(s) About Me
Two stillborns. Something I never thought would happen to me but it did. a part of me feels like I spoke it into existence but the other part of me knows better than to think like that.My first stillborn (Angel) happened about 2 years after I had my first child Nyah. I had no complications with Nyah, she was born healthy and beautiful, so there was no real reason to think I'd have any problems with future pregnancies.
It was August 2006 and I was scheduled for my monthly checkup, I was 8 months pregnant. before I went in for my check up I knew something wasn't right. I was busy that day, running errands, playing with my then 2 year daughter just doing my normal thing, but as the day went on I realized that I hadn't felt my baby move in a while. No matter how still I sat or how much I nudged at my stomach, I felt nothing. When we went in for our visit, that is exactly what the doctor's confirmed. There was no heartbeat.
When I gave birth to her she looked perfect. There were no signs of complications and all the internal tests they run on stillborns came back normal. The doctor's were puzzled and chalked it up to it being a freak accident and they reassured me that the chances of this happening again was one in a million. They were wrong.
Fast forward about 1 year later my family and I had just moved from Texas back to Florida. I got pregnant again. I was the most careful pregnant woman in the world. We had the name picked out early(Raina) and I was so relieved when I had made it pass the 1st trimester.
On Thanksgiving day of 2007, we were around family and good food. It was a busy day for me so I really hadn't paid too much attention to the baby. But once things settled down and all company was gone that's when I realized that I hadn't felt my baby move in a while. I was 6 months pregnant when Raina was delivered a stillborn. After giving birth to her, they ran all kinds of tests and again, everything came back normal. I was now considered a medical mystery.
I had a really good doctor this time around, she was determined to figure out what was going on, so instead of looking for answers in the babies she started running tests on me. When you're pregnant the amount of blood you produce increases tremendously. Well, my tests came back normal but there was a slight indicator that my blood may be prone to clotting a bit more than the average pregnant woman. It gets a bit "stickier" so what probably happened was at some point a blood clot formed within the umbilical cord cutting off circulation to the babies. If I were to get pregnant again, the solution would be to give my self a blood thinning injection in my stomach EVERY DAY for the duration of my pregnancy.....Whoa!
I eventually got pregnant again and as hard as it was to do I injected myself with heparin once a day and I have to tell you, those 9 months were probably the most mentally challenging months of my life. But I dealt with it, and because this was one of those situations where it was completely out of my control the only thing I had to hold on to was my faith. I meditated, I read scriptures, I did everything I could to fight off those negative thoughts and to keep my mind as calm as possible.
I finally gave birth to Charles (Champ) on January 11, 2009 (One.Eleven. Studio). The very moment he came out and I heard his first cry, I exhaled, I felt like I could breath again. There was this huge burden that was lifted and I could now close that chapter of my life and move on to a new chapter. A better chapter.
We never know why things are happening when we are in the midst of a storm, but when you eventually make it out on the other side, you come out stronger, wiser and equipped to help others in life who are going through a similar situation because they will need you. They will need your guidance, your strength, and they will need someone who can relate to what they are going through. So you can't give up because that's not an option, you must always press forward. Always....
Oh my, there are tears just reading this, I cannot even begin to imagine the heartache you endured. Thank you for sharing, I think you are amazing and what beautiful children you have:)
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, Tori. So incredibly moving to read this. It brought me to tears as well. This post, more than any other I've read today drives home the knowledge that we all have heartaches that the world doesn't know about. Yours especially, is so poignant and painful. I'm so grateful to that doctor! We all deserve advocates like that! Your children, all of them, are beautiful, and so is your spirit, dear.
ReplyDeleteTori, I've got a lump in my throat so good job I'm writing and not speaking... I can't even imagine what you must have gone through and part of me hates doctors for that very reason... most of them actually know very little.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for your strength and tenacity and you certainly are a role model to womanhood.
"So you can't give up because that's not an option, you must always press forward. Always...." I live by that motto every single day
Thank you for sharing...
Oh Tori, you are so brave to share this. I cannot imagine what you went through and have no words to express myself, other than saying how much I admire you. Thank you for sharing xx
ReplyDeleteWOW, this was such a moving post. Thank you for sharing, sure this was not easy.
ReplyDeleteReading your post brought up so many emotions for me...I never wanted to have my own children (my husband and I are discussing adoption) , and I think one of the reasons that I've felt so strongly about that is because of fear that my body won't take to pregnancy . I have so much respect for you for not loosing hope, your family is very lucky to have you :)
ReplyDeleteKate
www.theforgetfulwife.com
Oh, Tori, I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must have been. There is such courage in your story and the words you used to describe it. Your kids are beautiful and they are so blessed to have you as their mom. Thanks so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteTori~ thank you for sharing your story. You write so beautifully about your loses and how you have pressed on. The last line speaks to me and encourages me...just like you do :)
ReplyDeleteTori, Reading your story paralyzes me because all I want to do is give you a hug. A hug for being brave enough to share your story, a hug for your heartache, and a hug for your strength. I wanted to share a similar story, but I chickened out. So, I want you to know that I feel you. I get all of your pain here. So, with a lump in my throat and through tears, I think you're something pretty special. I think you're amazing!
ReplyDeleteLauren is right, you never know what someone is going through. You never know someone's true pain and struggle until they're ready to share it. I'm grateful you shared yours.
The glorious, happy ending, you have two beautiful children AND One. Eleven. Studio. I feel blessed to know the story behind your company name. I feel blessed that I now have a little piece of you through your pouches.
You are a lovely being. Have an amazing weekend, Tori! ((hugs!))
tori, this was a special story indeed for me to read... not because i have been through it myself. i haven't. this is well & truly your story. but i did once share a house with a couple who also had two stillborns. sadly they did not go on to also have two beautiful healthy children. this will sound like a very, very odd thing to say, but i know the spirits of their two children lived on because i saw them in my dreams before i even knew they'd existed (long, long story)... i hope it gives you some comfort at least to think of angel and raina together... sue
ReplyDeleteTori - I can't imagine what it was like for you to lose not one, but two children during your motherhood journey. It's so courageous of you to share what I'm sure is a painful story, although it has a happy ending! Your kids are so precious and I'm sure they bring so much happiness and joy to you everyday. I only hope that the thousands of moms who are going through what you did can somehow find their way to your blog and know that they aren't alone. Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteHi everyone! Thank you for all of your kind words. It really means a lot that you even took the time out to read it. All of it. Thanks again : )
ReplyDeleteHi Tori, found you via Theresa and so glad I did. This post was so moving. I can't wait to dive into more.
ReplyDeleteWow, what an incredibly courageous person and mother you are. I cannot even imagine what those 9 months of injections and heavy thoughts were like. You are amazing and I am so happy for your outcome. What a blessing!
ReplyDeleteTori, what an amazing and honest post. Although I am deeply sorry you have gone through this experience, you are an even more beautiful person for having persevered through it. Although I am not a parent yet myself, this is still truly inspirational.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for being so brave to share this obviously painful story with us.. I can not even begin to imagine what you went through and how you must of felt.. but you are truly inspirational and strong.. Bless you and your beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteHi Tori, I was stopping over from the Ink Yourself workshop and read this post. It caught me by surprise. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story of bravery and perseverance.
ReplyDeleteHi Tori - I'm in tears over here as well, quite the post. You seem to talk about it so gracefully, I can't imagine how many times you edited this post as you were writing it. Thanks for sharing and the honesty - it connects us all just a little bit more. I'm not quite at this point in life yet, I can't even imagine all of the emotions... or the injections.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, this must be the same boy from a picture a few posts ago? He's so grown up now. Love to see the transitions.
Hello Tori...I here from Therese's site and I am so moved by your sharing. What you have gone through is tragic. your strength exudes in your words and they've helped me. i have been trying to conceive for nearly 4 years now and at times it's so painful, i just don't know where to turn. the part about faith is something that resonates with me. there's a reason for my journey...i just don't know it yet.
ReplyDeleteagain, thank you for sharing and bless you for having such sweet babies.
tori, i have read and reread this over the last 5 days. i am lost for words. i am so blessed to have read your story, your heartache, struggle and your blessings. thamk you for sharing this. the name of your blog is now so poignant.
ReplyDeletei am so glad you and your beautiful children {and your sweet angel and raina} have one another. blessings xxx
Gosh, how brave of you to share your stunning story with us, it's a beautiful story and has every emotion locked into it. Thank you for sharing it with us and coming together on this Cocktail Party. best wishes x
ReplyDeletemy goodness, what a story. i'm so sorry for your losses. and so happy that you had an excellent doctor who found the cause and helped you have your healthy baby! we adopted our children, so i've been through a long adventure before finally parenting. life is an adventure, and thank you for sharing yours!
ReplyDeleteTori, I have to apologize to getting to this post so belatedly. I admire you so much for not only sharing that story with us but also living through it, twice. I can't even imagine the pain and heartbreak that you and your family suffered with each of those losses. To honor your son by choosing your blog name after his birthdate is absolutely touching. This was extremely powerful. Kudos for sharing. xoxo
ReplyDeleteLovely writing and beautiful children -- thanks for being brave enough to share this.
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